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How To Be Happy
Expectations "BLESSED IS HE WHO EXPECTS NOTHING, FOR HE SHALL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED" - ALEXANDER POPE
Let's briefly state what you can count on in this world: Do you have false expectations like the following:
Emotions
Ultimately, all emotional states are physiological in nature. Thoughts and feelings are neural activity of the brain. Evolution may have designed them as a way of motivating humans to do the things they need to do to reproduce and survive. Facial expression of emotions can also be a method of communication to others. Emotions can emerge as a reaction to outside forces (i.e., your environment) or inner forces (hunger, hormones, etc.). 2. What are some typical emotions? Affectionate 3. How do people express emotions? People express their emotions: a. Verbally - This is the basis for
most psychotherapy; Talking about feelings and problems. By talking to an
empathetic, non-judgmental person(s), we vent our feelings or "get it
off our chest". This also gives us the opportunity to sort out issues
in our minds. b. Using
the written word - Writing down our thoughts and feelings is a form of
expression. Sometimes it is easier to clarify issues when we see them in
black and white on paper. Writing down the pros and cons of a decision or
keeping a feeling journal are common forms of written expression. c. Artistic expression (poetry, painting, sculpture, music) - Expressing oneself artistically also can serve the same function as talking or writing. d. Movement of the body - Such
expression can take the form of Dance, Yoga (as a method of relaxation) or
exercise (as a way to reduce stress and/or gain competence in a skill
(e.g., martial arts, tennis, etc.). 4. Bottling up feelings. In general, it is not beneficial to bottle up your feelings. If things are bothering you, it helps to talk about these feelings with someone you trust. If you don't, it can harm you both physically and/or psychologically. It is beneficial to recognize and identify feelings as they occur. When you can do this, you can then attempt to change them, if you choose. Knowing how you really feel, not how others want or think you should feel, is of the utmost importance. Sometimes parents discourage their children from expressing their true feelings or, in some cases, expressing any feelings. When these children grow up, they may: 1) not know how they really feel 5. Who is the best person to express feelings to? Someone who is a good listener, empathetic, and non-judgmental. It is in this environment that people can best experience, sort out, and express their true feelings. 6. How do we change our feelings/mood? Basically, we can change our mood by: a. Expressing our thoughts and feelings (See above). b. Changing our behaviors. c. Changing our thinking. d. Changing our environment. e. Learning new skills. 7. Put on a happy face. Some research studies indicate that pretending to be happy (i.e., moving the muscles of your face into a smile) may actually activate and promote positive feelings. In effect, it is the reverse of the process we usually experience where we feel good, and subsequently smile. The premise is that moving those facial muscles will bring on the feelings usually associated with them. See Laird, James, (1974). Expressive face changes emotions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 29, 475-486. 8. Mood swings or alternating feelings. For most people, both good and bad moods rarely last for long. Moods change with positive and negative events that occur around us; Neutral or contented mood usually returns with time. In general, the worst emotional consequences of bad, or even horrible events are usually temporary. Recuperation or rebound will usually occur over time. In fact, horrible events may even cause one to change their priorities and/or values, and appreciate life more. Even very positive events have only a temporary impact on mood; The "high" will fade. Most people experience similar feelings, thoughts, and behaviors throughout their lifetime (love, jealousy, caring, etc.). People vary in how often they experience certain feelings, the intensity of such feelings, and how much their mood fluctuates. Some people experience extremes of mood (i.e., mood swings) or negative mood for long periods of time. The reasons why some individuals experience mood swings probably derives from biological and environmental causes. 9. What to do when feeling overwhelmed by continuous, unwanted, intense emotions. ** You may want to consult a mental health professional, but the following may be helpful ** a. Name or label the emotion(s). This may not be as easy as you think. Sometimes people feel general emotional turmoil, but don't know exactly what the precise feeling is that they are experiencing. Being able to label the emotion can help reduce the turmoil surrounding it. See above for a list of emotions. b. Note if there are any physical sensations associated with the feelings. c. After understanding the precise feelings you are experiencing (and any physical sensations that accompany these feelings), the next step is to accept these feelings as legitimate (after all, they are your feelings whether they are "logical" or not). Try not to get caught up in whether most people feel this way in this situation, or that you are "wrong" to feel the way you do. Such self-condemnation only makes you feel worse. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to act on it. d. Try to identify what may have triggered this feeling. Is there a certain situation, event, person, or place that elicits this feeling? Is there an internal state (e.g., hunger, tiredness, menstruation, etc.) that triggers such feelings? e. What were your thoughts (expectations) surrounding the situation/trigger. For example if you expect all drivers to behave courteously, you will certainly get angry when they don't. If you don't expect this, then you may not react as strongly. In other words, the expectations you have affect how you respond to a situation. f. Think about how you usually respond to the trigger or feelings elicited from the trigger. How do you act? What do you say? How would you like to respond in that situation? g. Acknowledge that this is only a feeling, and although it's distressful, it can't hurt you or cause any lasting danger. At times, you may want to gradually become detached from your feelings and thoughts to feel safer if you are overwhelmed. h. Identify other ways to deal with such feelings. Causes Of Behavior
1. Your genes (from both your biological
parents). These genes help determine both general and specific human
nature. By general nature, I mean the needs all humans have (e.g., food,
shelter, companionship, sex, etc.). By specific human nature, I am referring
to individual temperament or personality characteristics (e.g., some people
are naturally more extroverted than others). As an embryo develops, the
mother's hormones, nutrition, overall health, and chemical intake (e.g.,
caffeine, alcohol, nicotine) also affect development of her unborn child. 2. Your past/current environment. From
birth, an infant is subjected to human beings (from individuals to groups to
society at large). Our experiences with these humans actually change our
brain chemistry and neural pathways and affect our BTF
both as children and later as adults. Moreover, many of these early
experiences are not remembered by the older child or adult. Nevertheless,
these early experiences affect our BTF both as
children and adults. Some refer to this phenomenon as our unconscious. When these needs are not fulfilled, (i.e., neglect
- the parent is not doing something he/she is supposed to be doing) it can
lead to a variety of circumstances:
b. The child/adult feeling angry or resentful that these needs were not met. c. The child/adult attempting to get these needs
met through other means (acting out behaviors like stealing,
getting in fights, tantrums, withdrawing, etc.).
4. Parents who fail to validate their
children's feelings by telling them what they should, and should
not feel or squelching any expression of feeling by their
children (e.g., be a man, don't cry!) results in:
8. Children exposed to
"dysfunctional" families have probably:
10. Finally, experiences as an adult can affect your current BTF. These include brain dysfunction due to short or long term exposure to harmful drugs, a brain chemical imbalance, virus, accident, tumor, disease, hormonal imbalance, lack of oxygen to the brain, or stroke. On a more positive note, positive experiences (caring relationships with others, learning new coping skills and behaviors, etc.) can alter our current brain chemistry and change our BTFs.
I. WHAT IS ANGER? Among the many feelings that people experience, anger is probably the most complex and confusing. In order to control or regulate anger, you must first understand it. The more that you know about your own anger, the easier it will be to control it. Anger is a strong emotion that occurs when you feel that you are being hassled, treated unfairly, or not receiving the respect that you deserve. Sometimes you may even become angry at yourself for mistakes that you have made. Anger occurs more frequently when you are under stress. When you feel pressured or things are not going smoothly, anger can arise as a reaction to stressful events and circumstances. Anger is an antagonistic response. But it is different from aggression, which is action or behavior that is intended to cause harm or injury. Anger is a feeling, an emotion. By itself, it's not necessarily bad. However, because it can lead to aggression and because it can have detrimental affects on our health, work performance, and personal relationships, anger has many undesirable aspects. II. POSITIVE ASPECTS OF ANGER
B. Anger tells us that something may be wrong which needs resolution. It is a signal that there is a problem that requires our attention. C. Anger can be a helpful way to express tension and communicate negative feelings to others. III. NEGATIVE ASPECTS OF ANGER
B. Anger is an unpleasant emotion. C. Anger is physically upsetting. It involves a strong physiological arousal that if prolonged or too frequent can have detrimental effects on our health (suppression of the immune system, heart disease, and higher death rates from all causes). D. Anger is an antagonistic response that can lead to actions that can cause physical harm to yourself or someone else. Anger can also lead to negative consequences, (i.e., punishment or retaliation). IV. WHAT CAUSES ANGER? - Anger is the result of things that happen, how you perceive and experience those things, and what you do in response to them. That is, anger is a product of external factors, internal or psychological factors, and your own behavior.
B. Internal factors. How you react emotionally to a situation is determined by how you perceive or view that situation and by your level of tension or arousal at the time. If you are highly activated or agitated when something unpleasant happens then you are more likely to get angry, especially if you view the situation in negative or antagonistic terms. C. Behavioral factors. How you respond behaviorally to a situation affects how others react to you, as well as what gets done about the existing problem. The course of action that you take will influence whether you get angry, how long you stay angry, and if you get angry all over again. D. Situations that make you angry (Triggers)
2. When you get punished for something, and another person who did the same thing did not get punished. 3. When someone makes a promise to you and doesn't keep it. 4. When you get punished for something you didn't do. 5. When you try to do the "right thing" and go about things in a proper/legal/ethical fashion and you don't get the reward you expect. 6. When someone is rude or impolite. 7. When someone else doesn't follow the rules. 8. When someone tries to take advantage of you (e.g., always asks you for favors and never reciprocates). 9. When someone steals from you. 10. When someone is selfish. 11. When a close friend/romantic partner leaves you. 12. When someone doesn't act the way you think they ought to act. 13. When you don't live up to your own standards. 14. When things don't go your way (i.e., you don't get what you want)
16. When others interrupt you and don't let you talk.
B. When it is too intense. Intense anger is almost never useful. It severely reduces your ability to think clearly and leads to impulsive acts that you later regret. C. When it lasts too long. When you can't let go of something that has upset you, it can interfere with your work and enjoyment of life. D. When it leads to aggression. Strong anger leads to destructive acts. Anger makes it easier to say or do something that hurts someone when you are least likely to think through the consequences of your behavior.
2. Changing expectations of others - Change your expectations of yourself and/or others. Some people have very high expectations of themselves and become angry with themselves when they don't live up to their unrealistically high standards. One way to lessen anger turned inward is to lower these expectations. Similarly, many people have unrealistic expectations of others and when others don't act as one thinks they should, anger results. If you expect others to act as you do all the time, you certainly will become angry and frustrated with them. Lowering your expectations of others will reduce the number of anger provoking situations you experience. 3. A Positive attitude 4. Exercise - to diminish overall stress levels. 5. Relaxation - to diminish overall stress levels.
b. Violent outbursts c. Threats d. Put-downs or criticism e. Screaming
3. It was once believed that talking about what makes you angry (e.g., to a friend or therapist) would dissipate the anger. Recent research suggests that this expression does not diminish anger and in some cases may exacerbate it.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVING JOB ENJOYMENT Here are some questions to ask yourself: Your public library can provide you with
information on: To diminish job stress, there are on-the-job and off-the-job factors to consider: ON-THE-JOB Don't forget to exercise ,relax, and sleep .This will reduce your over-all level of stress.
Reality: Actually some studies show that older people may be a little happier than their young counterparts. (See the November, 1998 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 75, No. 5, p. 1333-1349). Suggestion: If you are young,
follow some of the suggestions given below. If you are older, you
probably have learned how to regulate your emotions through experience.
Enjoy! Myth #2: Rich people are happier than non rich people. Reality: Surveys of life satisfaction conducted with rich, middle-class, and poor people found that rich people are not significantly happier than middle-class people. The rich do tend to be happier than poor people because poor people lack some of the basics. Suggestion: Don't waste your life
trying to be rich. Achieving middle-class status is sufficient; Making a
lot of money will not necessarily make you any happier. Instead, spend
more time nourishing your family relationships. Myth #3: Very intelligent people are happier than people who have average intelligence. Reality: Highly intelligent people appear to be no happier than people of average intelligence. Suggestion: Don't worry if you're not Einstein. Myth #4: Beautiful people are happier than average looking people. Reality: People who are very good-looking are no happier than average looking people. Suggestion: Save your money on the plastic surgery. Myth#5: People are happier if they can go from one exciting experience to another. Reality: Happy people are able to appreciate life's little pleasures (sunrise, clouds, birds, children, etc.) Suggestion: You don't have to emulate James Bond to be happy. Myth #6: Those lottery winners who don't have to work and can sit around eating snacks and watching T.V. have it made. Reality: Happy people engage in challenging activities, but they get enough rest (and sleep) as well. Either extreme (being over challenged or under challenged) will produce stress. In between these two states is an ideal place where we feel challenged, but not overmatched. Suggestion: Engage in meaningful
activities and hobbies you enjoy. Also regular exercise is a great way
to reduce stress and stay happier. (Of course, see your doctor before
beginning any new exercise program). Myth #7: Getting away from it all and meditating on a mountain top somewhere would be great. Reality: That isolation may be fine for a few days or even weeks, but those people who report the greatest levels of happiness tend to be more social and enjoy good interpersonal relationships with other people (friends, family, lovers, etc.). Suggestion: While it's true that people vary in how much social stimulation they need, socializing with others tends to provide most people with the best experiences of their lives and can help as a buffer against stress. Myth #8: Happy people have rose-colored glasses on and don't see life as it really is. Reality: There is a happy medium (excuse the pun) between optimism and realism. Suggestion: Try to have a positive outlook, and have realistic expectations as well (Not always easy to do). Myth #9: Happiness is 100% learned behavior. Reality: Research indicates that happiness is about 50% genetic (nature) |
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