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Expectations

Emotions

Anger

Job

Myths

Self Affirmations

6 factors

Causes of behavior

Stressors

Expectations

"BLESSED IS HE WHO EXPECTS NOTHING, FOR HE SHALL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED" - ALEXANDER POPE

This saying may be a little too pessimistic, but there is some truth to it. If your expectations always exceed your accomplishments; or if you always expect others to behave appropriately, then you will certainly be disappointed, angry, etc. Either extreme of optimism (pollyanna) or pessimism is not healthy. You need a balance of optimism and realism. You must realize your own limitations, yet strive for personal fulfillment.

Let's briefly state what you can count on in this world:

Gravity
Life - you're reading this right now, so you are alive
Death - it will happen eventually
The sun rising & setting, (at least for the next few billion years)
Growing old
Change (nothing lasts forever. That includes good feelings, bad feelings, living situations, etc. Remember, Expect change)
For some people, god
Special friends, family, or spouses
Stressful life events

Don't expect to be happy every minute of every day. Mood fluctuates as a function of circumstances, hormones, hunger, etc.

Don't expect perfection from yourself or others. This will only lead to disappointment. Of course, this does not mean that you cannot strive for excellence; just don't expect perfection.

Some people will treat you badly regardless of how you treat them. A rabbi Kushner illustrated this point with the humorous saying, "expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person, is like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian."

Life is not fair (Some people feel there is ultimate divine justice, others do not. It is matter of individual preference).

Risk is inherent in living

Assess your expectations of life. Are they realistic? If you get the things that you expect or want, will you then be truly happy?

Do you have false expectations like the following:

Everyone should love me

No one should reject me

I have to be successful at everything I do

I have to make a lot of money to be happy

I should be perfect (i.e., not make mistakes)

I should always get what I want

Life should be without pain and require no effort

What should your expectations for life be? Here are some suggestions:

I want to enjoy close, intimate relationships with other people

I want to enjoy work that is challenging and meaningful

I want to know who I really am and what my real feelings are (not what others think I should feel)

I want to fulfill my basic human needs in a healthy way
When you experience strong emotions (e.g., disappointment, anger, sadness) ask yourself what are the underlying expectations behind those emotions. Many times your expectations (and resulting feelings) will be justified; other times, your expectations may be unrealistic or wrong. This does not mean you should deny your inner feelings. However, it can be helpful to know what your underlying expectations are, so if you choose, in the future, you can alter erroneous expectations.

Be flexible! Life rarely goes 100% according to plan.

When learning a new skill, don't expect to become an expert instantaneously. Make your goals short-term, achievable, and realistic to avoid disappointment.

Emotions

1. Why do we have emotions (feelings)?

Ultimately, all emotional states are physiological in nature. Thoughts and feelings are neural activity of the brain. Evolution may have designed them as a way of motivating humans to do the things they need to do to reproduce and survive. Facial expression of emotions can also be a method of communication to others. Emotions can emerge as a reaction to outside forces (i.e., your environment) or inner forces (hunger, hormones, etc.).

2. What are some typical emotions?

Affectionate
Aggressive
Agonized
Angry
Annoyed
Anxious
Apathetic
Apologetic
Arrogant
Bashful
Betrayed
Blissful
Blue
Bored
Burdened
Cautious
Charmed
Cheated
Cheerful
Concentrating
Condemned
Confident
Conflicted
Confused
Contented
Crushed
Curious
Defeated
Depressed
Despairing
Determined
Disappointed
Disapproving
Disbelieving
Discouraged
Disgusted
Dissatisfied
Distractible
Distraught
Disturbed
Dominated
Eager
Ecstatic
Empathetic
Empty
Energetic
Enraged
Enthusiastic
Envious
Exasperated
Excited
Exhausted
Exploitive
Evil
Failure
Fearful
Foolish
Flustered
Forgetful
Frantic
Frightened
Frustrated
Grief-stricken
Guilty
Happy
Helpful
Helpless
High
Hopeful
Hopeless
Horrible
Hurt
Hyper vigilant
Hysterical
Idiotic
Ignored
Imposed upon
Impulsive
Indifferent
Indecisive
Infuriated
Innocent
Interested
Intimidated
Irritable
Isolated
Jealous
Jumpy
Kind
Lazy
Left-Out
Lonely
Loving
Love struck
Manic
Meditative
Melancholy
Mischievous
Miserable
Mood Swings
Negative
Nervous
Obstinate
Okay
Optimistic
Outraged
Pained
Panicky
Paranoid
Peaceful
Perfectionist
Perplexed
Persecuted
Pressured
Prudish
Punished
Put-Upon
Puzzled
Rage
Regretful
Rejected
Relaxed
Relieved
Restless
Sad
Satisfied
Scared
Sheepish
Shocked
Sleepy
Smug
Spiteful
Stunned
Stupid
Surly
Surprised
Sympathetic
Tense
Terrible
Terrified
Thwarted
Tired
Trapped
Troubled
Ugly
Unhappy
Uninterested
Unmotivated
Vulnerable
Wonderful
Weepy
Worried
Worthless

3. How do people express emotions?

People express their emotions:

a. Verbally - This is the basis for most psychotherapy; Talking about feelings and problems. By talking to an empathetic, non-judgmental person(s), we vent our feelings or "get it off our chest". This also gives us the opportunity to sort out issues in our minds.

b. Using the written word - Writing down our thoughts and feelings is a form of expression. Sometimes it is easier to clarify issues when we see them in black and white on paper. Writing down the pros and cons of a decision or keeping a feeling journal are common forms of written expression.

c. Artistic expression (poetry, painting, sculpture, music) - Expressing oneself artistically also can serve the same function as talking or writing.

d. Movement of the body - Such expression can take the form of Dance, Yoga (as a method of relaxation) or exercise (as a way to reduce stress and/or gain competence in a skill (e.g., martial arts, tennis, etc.).

4. Bottling up feelings.

In general, it is not beneficial to bottle up your feelings. If things are bothering you, it helps to talk about these feelings with someone you trust. If you don't, it can harm you both physically and/or psychologically. It is beneficial to recognize and identify feelings as they occur. When you can do this, you can then attempt to change them, if you choose. Knowing how you really feel, not how others want or think you should feel, is of the utmost importance. Sometimes parents discourage their children from expressing their true feelings or, in some cases, expressing any feelings. When these children grow up, they may:

1) not know how they really feel
2) be "cut off" or dissociated from their feelings
3) be afraid if they do experience strong feelings, that they will become overwhelmed and won't be able to stop these emotions 4) develop a "coat of armor," which insulates them and does not allow them to experience strong feelings.

5. Who is the best person to express feelings to?

Someone who is a good listener, empathetic, and non-judgmental. It is in this environment that people can best experience, sort out, and express their true feelings.

6. How do we change our feelings/mood?

Basically, we can change our mood by:

a. Expressing our thoughts and feelings (See above).

b. Changing our behaviors.

c. Changing our thinking.

d. Changing our environment.

e. Learning new skills.

7. Put on a happy face.

Some research studies indicate that pretending to be happy (i.e., moving the muscles of your face into a smile) may actually activate and promote positive feelings. In effect, it is the reverse of the process we usually experience where we feel good, and subsequently smile. The premise is that moving those facial muscles will bring on the feelings usually associated with them. See Laird, James, (1974). Expressive face changes emotions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 29, 475-486.

8. Mood swings or alternating feelings.

For most people, both good and bad moods rarely last for long. Moods change with positive and negative events that occur around us; Neutral or contented mood usually returns with time. In general, the worst emotional consequences of bad, or even horrible events are usually temporary. Recuperation or rebound will usually occur over time. In fact, horrible events may even cause one to change their priorities and/or values, and appreciate life more. Even very positive events have only a temporary impact on mood; The "high" will fade.

Most people experience similar feelings, thoughts, and behaviors throughout their lifetime (love, jealousy, caring, etc.). People vary in how often they experience certain feelings, the intensity of such feelings, and how much their mood fluctuates. Some people experience extremes of mood (i.e., mood swings) or negative mood for long periods of time. The reasons why some individuals experience mood swings probably derives from biological and environmental causes.

9. What to do when feeling overwhelmed by continuous, unwanted, intense emotions.

** You may want to consult a mental health professional, but the following may be helpful **

a. Name or label the emotion(s). This may not be as easy as you think. Sometimes people feel general emotional turmoil, but don't know exactly what the precise feeling is that they are experiencing. Being able to label the emotion can help reduce the turmoil surrounding it. See above for a list of emotions.

b. Note if there are any physical sensations associated with the feelings.

c. After understanding the precise feelings you are experiencing (and any physical sensations that accompany these feelings), the next step is to accept these feelings as legitimate (after all, they are your feelings whether they are "logical" or not). Try not to get caught up in whether most people feel this way in this situation, or that you are "wrong" to feel the way you do. Such self-condemnation only makes you feel worse. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to act on it.

d. Try to identify what may have triggered this feeling. Is there a certain situation, event, person, or place that elicits this feeling? Is there an internal state (e.g., hunger, tiredness, menstruation, etc.) that triggers such feelings?

e. What were your thoughts (expectations) surrounding the situation/trigger. For example if you expect all drivers to behave courteously, you will certainly get angry when they don't. If you don't expect this, then you may not react as strongly. In other words, the expectations you have affect how you respond to a situation.

f. Think about how you usually respond to the trigger or feelings elicited from the trigger. How do you act? What do you say? How would you like to respond in that situation?

g. Acknowledge that this is only a feeling, and although it's distressful, it can't hurt you or cause any lasting danger. At times, you may want to gradually become detached from your feelings and thoughts to feel safer if you are overwhelmed.

h. Identify other ways to deal with such feelings.

Causes Of Behavior

As an adult, your current Behaviors, Thoughts, and Feelings (BTF) emanate from two sources (genes and environment):

1. Your genes (from both your biological parents). These genes help determine both general and specific human nature. By general nature, I mean the needs all humans have (e.g., food, shelter, companionship, sex, etc.). By specific human nature, I am referring to individual temperament or personality characteristics (e.g., some people are naturally more extroverted than others). As an embryo develops, the mother's hormones, nutrition, overall health, and chemical intake (e.g., caffeine, alcohol, nicotine) also affect development of her unborn child.
After a child is born, he/she continues to grow and develop as does the brain. Genetic predisposition, though, only accounts for about 50% of an adults current BTF's. The other 50% is due to environment.

2. Your past/current environment. From birth, an infant is subjected to human beings (from individuals to groups to society at large). Our experiences with these humans actually change our brain chemistry and neural pathways and affect our BTF both as children and later as adults. Moreover, many of these early experiences are not remembered by the older child or adult. Nevertheless, these early experiences affect our BTF both as children and adults. Some refer to this phenomenon as our unconscious.
Small children have certain developmental needs, as mentioned above (to be held, fed, nurtured, listened to, etc.). Fulfillment of these needs by a caregiver will contribute to "normal development."

When these needs are not fulfilled, (i.e., neglect - the parent is not doing something he/she is supposed to be doing) it can lead to a variety of circumstances:

a. The child/adult feeling there is something wrong with them since their parents did not fulfill these needs.

b. The child/adult feeling angry or resentful that these needs were not met.

c. The child/adult attempting to get these needs met through other means (acting out behaviors like stealing, getting in fights, tantrums, withdrawing, etc.).

3. Parents overt behavior can lead to abnormal development of their children (i.e., verbal, physical, or sexual abuse). Abuse can lead to the following circumstances:

a. Feeling something is wrong with you, feeling angry and resentful, or trying to get needs met through other means (See a-c mentioned above).

b. A lack of trust towards others.

c. An inability to feel different emotions (i.e., the child "numbs out" to avoid intense negative feelings).

d. Experiencing frequent anxiety or depression.

e. Feeling a lack of control over their circumstances and self.

4. Parents who fail to validate their children's feelings by telling them what they should, and should not feel or squelching any expression of feeling by their children (e.g., be a man, don't cry!) results in:

a. Adults who don't know how they really feel

b. Adults unable to tolerate strong feelings

c. Resentment towards their parents

5. Parents who are critical, fault-finding, or expect perfection from their children may result in a child/adult who:

a. Is never satisfied with his/her performance.

b. Is self-critical.

c. Is a people-pleaser who is constantly striving to receive praise and validation.

6. Parents who are inconsistent (e.g., punishing one time for a behavior and not punishing the next time) lead to children:

a. Not knowing what to expect from their environment.

b. Experiencing anxiety

7. As a child develops, the parent lets the child become more independent (explore on his own, go out with friends, make his own decisions, etc.). When a parent does not let the child gradually become more independent, a child/adolescent can become anxious when faced with going out on his own and/or resent the parent for not allowing greater independence.

8. Children exposed to "dysfunctional" families have probably:

a. Learned (i.e., modeled) to do "dysfunctional things" consciously or unconsciously from their parents, peers, or friends.

b. Reacted to the dysfunctional behavior of their parents, siblings, or friends in a way that was adaptive for them at the time (e.g., Acting out to get attention, Running away to avoid mistreatment, etc.); but this behavior is no longer adaptive for the adult.

c. Developed ways to cope with internal negative feelings to help reduce the pain (drugs, alcohol, anorexia, obesity, etc.)

d. Not learned functional behaviors (e.g., social skills) that one should have in the first place.

9. As an adult, you may still continue to act the same way you did when you were a child, even though this is no longer functional or appropriate behavior, and you may still expect others to react to you as your parents did.

10. Finally, experiences as an adult can affect your current BTF. These include brain dysfunction due to short or long term exposure to harmful drugs, a brain chemical imbalance, virus, accident, tumor, disease, hormonal imbalance, lack of oxygen to the brain, or stroke. On a more positive note, positive experiences (caring relationships with others, learning new coping skills and behaviors, etc.) can alter our current brain chemistry and change our BTFs.

Anger Management

I. WHAT IS ANGER?

Among the many feelings that people experience, anger is probably the most complex and confusing. In order to control or regulate anger, you must first understand it. The more that you know about your own anger, the easier it will be to control it. Anger is a strong emotion that occurs when you feel that you are being hassled, treated unfairly, or not receiving the respect that you deserve. Sometimes you may even become angry at yourself for mistakes that you have made. Anger occurs more frequently when you are under stress. When you feel pressured or things are not going smoothly, anger can arise as a reaction to stressful events and circumstances. Anger is an antagonistic response. But it is different from aggression, which is action or behavior that is intended to cause harm or injury. Anger is a feeling, an emotion. By itself, it's not necessarily bad. However, because it can lead to aggression and because it can have detrimental affects on our health, work performance, and personal relationships, anger has many undesirable aspects.

II. POSITIVE ASPECTS OF ANGER

A. Anger can give us strength and determination as it energizes our behavior in response to challenge or threat.

B. Anger tells us that something may be wrong which needs resolution. It is a signal that there is a problem that requires our attention.

C. Anger can be a helpful way to express tension and communicate negative feelings to others.

III. NEGATIVE ASPECTS OF ANGER

A. Anger interferes with our ability to think clearly and can cause us to act on impulse, suspending good judgment. Also, it can cause us to do something we may later regret.

B. Anger is an unpleasant emotion.

C. Anger is physically upsetting. It involves a strong physiological arousal that if prolonged or too frequent can have detrimental effects on our health (suppression of the immune system, heart disease, and higher death rates from all causes).

D. Anger is an antagonistic response that can lead to actions that can cause physical harm to yourself or someone else. Anger can also lead to negative consequences, (i.e., punishment or retaliation).

IV. WHAT CAUSES ANGER? - Anger is the result of things that happen, how you perceive and experience those things, and what you do in response to them. That is, anger is a product of external factors, internal or psychological factors, and your own behavior.

A. External factors. When you are under pressure you are faced with many challenges, interruptions, annoyances, and even criticisms. These upsetting events are linked to anger, but they don't cause anger all by themselves. Whether or not you become angry is determined by how you perceive these events and how you approach and respond to them.

B. Internal factors. How you react emotionally to a situation is determined by how you perceive or view that situation and by your level of tension or arousal at the time. If you are highly activated or agitated when something unpleasant happens then you are more likely to get angry, especially if you view the situation in negative or antagonistic terms.

C. Behavioral factors. How you respond behaviorally to a situation affects how others react to you, as well as what gets done about the existing problem. The course of action that you take will influence whether you get angry, how long you stay angry, and if you get angry all over again.

D. Situations that make you angry (Triggers)

1. Teasing, Name calling, Insults, or Inappropriate comments.

2. When you get punished for something, and another person who did the same thing did not get punished.

3. When someone makes a promise to you and doesn't keep it.

4. When you get punished for something you didn't do.

5. When you try to do the "right thing" and go about things in a proper/legal/ethical fashion and you don't get the reward you expect.

6. When someone is rude or impolite.

7. When someone else doesn't follow the rules.

8. When someone tries to take advantage of you (e.g., always asks you for favors and never reciprocates).

9. When someone steals from you.

10. When someone is selfish.

11. When a close friend/romantic partner leaves you.

12. When someone doesn't act the way you think they ought to act.

13. When you don't live up to your own standards.

14. When things don't go your way (i.e., you don't get what you want)

15. When others don't listen to you and/or ignore you.

16. When others interrupt you and don't let you talk.

17. A build-up of small annoyances (traffic jams, malfunctioning machines, waiting in long lines, etc.)

V. WHEN IS ANGER A PROBLEM?

A. When it is too frequent. Some things would make anybody angry, but when daily situations and minor events are making you angry, you are probably experiencing this emotion more than average.

B. When it is too intense. Intense anger is almost never useful. It severely reduces your ability to think clearly and leads to impulsive acts that you later regret.

C. When it lasts too long. When you can't let go of something that has upset you, it can interfere with your work and enjoyment of life.

D. When it leads to aggression. Strong anger leads to destructive acts. Anger makes it easier to say or do something that hurts someone when you are least likely to think through the consequences of your behavior.

VI. IDENTIFY HOW YOU CURRENTLY DEAL WITH ANGER (i.e., do you withdraw, keep the anger bottled up inside, display angry outbursts with yelling and screaming).

VII. CONTROLLING ANGER - Anger control, when done effectively, does not mean bottling it up or keeping a tight lid on it. Anger control or anger management involves several important things:

A. Learning how not to get angry in the first place

1. Learning acceptance of unchangeable situations

2. Changing expectations of others - Change your expectations of yourself and/or others. Some people have very high expectations of themselves and become angry with themselves when they don't live up to their unrealistically high standards. One way to lessen anger turned inward is to lower these expectations. Similarly, many people have unrealistic expectations of others and when others don't act as one thinks they should, anger results. If you expect others to act as you do all the time, you certainly will become angry and frustrated with them. Lowering your expectations of others will reduce the number of anger provoking situations you experience.

3. A Positive attitude

4. Exercise - to diminish overall stress levels.

5. Relaxation - to diminish overall stress levels.

6. Stimulus Control - if you can, avoid those situations that make you angry.

B. Keeping anger at a moderate level of intensity and expressing it constructively

1. When discussing something with a person, present the facts and do not hurl personal attacks or insults. Things to avoid when expressing anger:

a. Name calling

b. Violent outbursts

c. Threats

d. Put-downs or criticism

e. Screaming

2. Be more assertive.

3. It was once believed that talking about what makes you angry (e.g., to a friend or therapist) would dissipate the anger. Recent research suggests that this expression does not diminish anger and in some cases may exacerbate it.

4. Distraction - Remove yourself temporarily from the situation to cool down (e.g., take a walk, distract yourself) and then address the situation later on in a calmer fashion.

C. Using effective problem-solving strategies to change problem situations.

Job Satisfaction

Job satisfaction is important to our happiness. Work can give us a sense of identity, mastery, meaning, and purpose. It rewards us both emotionally and financially. It can provide us with a sense of belonging or pride. Ideally, it is best to work as a way to enjoy life, not just for money. If you enjoy what you do, the money will probably follow. If you hate your job, try to leave it. If you can't or won't, find some part of the job that you can enjoy. People tend to be more satisfied doing meaningful work rather than having endless periods of leisure time or idleness. In fact, unemployment is associated with declining mental and physical health in most people.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVING JOB ENJOYMENT

Job satisfaction usually increases where workers have more control in making decisions (eg., hours, job goals, etc.) rather than someone else making all the decisions.

The relationship between salary and job satisfaction is complex; studies seem to indicate that satisfaction is related more to the perception that one is being paid fairly, rather than to the actual amount of money received.

To maximize job satisfaction, don't become over whelmed with too many things to do (stress) or under whelmed with too few things to do (boredom).

Ideally, one should pursue a job where you can become fully engrossed in what you do; where your skills are fully engaged; where there is challenge, and variety; where you feel you are making a difference, and you are doing something that you feel will have an impact.

You will enjoy your job more if it has personal significance and meaning.

FINDING THE RIGHT JOB FOR YOU:

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

What do I find meaningful and significant and how can I apply those priorities towards my career choice.
What are my interests (hobbies, activities, etc. List them.) Can I find a career which incorporates some of my interests?
How much education am I willing to pursue beyond high school (consider time, expense, lost wages)? Do I want to go to college, graduate school or perhaps a vocational school?
What are my abilities (book smarts, persuasive talker, etc.)?
Do I like working with my hands or my head, or both?
Do I like working with others or mostly by myself?

ADVISE TO THE JOB SEEKER:

Volunteer at a job you think you might like.
Take a class in a job area you are interested in to see if you like it.
Talk to a person who is doing the job you are interested in and ask him/her questions.
Investigate whether there is a demand for the job you are interested in pursuing.
Seek vocational counseling at a local college or state employment office.

WHERE TO FIND A JOB:

Your public library can provide you with information on:

Career planning
Detailed descriptions of hundreds of job types
Industries
Prospective employers
Financial aid
Relocation to new cities
Writing a Resume
Job listings

HERE ARE SOME JOB SEARCH TECHNIQUES:

Ask friends, family, etc. if they know of any job openings
Answering advertisements in local/out-of-town newspapers
Placing personal advertisements (work wanted)
Going to federal, state employment agencies
Calling job hotlines
Looking at job listings at the chamber of commerce, local government, hospitals, and other major employers
Volunteering in community projects or special events which may lead to permanent employment
Calling a temp agency
Visiting in-person a business (eg., retail store) and filling out an application
Calling businesses to see if they have any openings (use Telephone Directory)
Employment Agency
Mailing a resume directly to a company
Contacting executive recruiting/search firms
Contacting your college placement office
Join a job club
Join a professional organization and "network"
The Internet

DEALING WITH JOB STRESS

To diminish job stress, there are on-the-job and off-the-job factors to consider:

ON-THE-JOB

Manage your time effectively (become organized, prioritize duties from most to least important, delegate responsibilities rather than trying to do it all).

Learn how to deal with others effectively and use as needed.

OFF-THE-JOB

Don't forget to exercise ,relax, and sleep .This will reduce your over-all level of stress.

Myths of what makes people happy

Myth # 1: Young people are happier than older people.

Reality: Actually some studies show that older people may be a little happier than their young counterparts. (See the November, 1998 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 75, No. 5, p. 1333-1349).

Suggestion: If you are young, follow some of the suggestions given below. If you are older, you probably have learned how to regulate your emotions through experience. Enjoy!

Myth #2: Rich people are happier than non rich people.

Reality: Surveys of life satisfaction conducted with rich, middle-class, and poor people found that rich people are not significantly happier than middle-class people. The rich do tend to be happier than poor people because poor people lack some of the basics.

Suggestion: Don't waste your life trying to be rich. Achieving middle-class status is sufficient; Making a lot of money will not necessarily make you any happier. Instead, spend more time nourishing your family relationships.

Myth #3: Very intelligent people are happier than people who have average intelligence.

Reality: Highly intelligent people appear to be no happier than people of average intelligence.

Suggestion: Don't worry if you're not Einstein.

Myth #4: Beautiful people are happier than average looking people.

Reality: People who are very good-looking are no happier than average looking people.

Suggestion: Save your money on the plastic surgery.

Myth#5: People are happier if they can go from one exciting experience to another.

Reality: Happy people are able to appreciate life's little pleasures (sunrise, clouds, birds, children, etc.)

Suggestion: You don't have to emulate James Bond to be happy.

Myth #6: Those lottery winners who don't have to work and can sit around eating snacks and watching T.V. have it made.

Reality: Happy people engage in challenging activities, but they get enough rest (and sleep) as well. Either extreme (being over challenged or under challenged) will produce stress. In between these two states is an ideal place where we feel challenged, but not overmatched.

Suggestion: Engage in meaningful activities and hobbies you enjoy. Also regular exercise is a great way to reduce stress and stay happier. (Of course, see your doctor before beginning any new exercise program).

Myth #7: Getting away from it all and meditating on a mountain top somewhere would be great.

Reality: That isolation may be fine for a few days or even weeks, but those people who report the greatest levels of happiness tend to be more social and enjoy good interpersonal relationships with other people (friends, family, lovers, etc.).

Suggestion: While it's true that people vary in how much social stimulation they need, socializing with others tends to provide most people with the best experiences of their lives and can help as a buffer against stress.

Myth #8: Happy people have rose-colored glasses on and don't see life as it really is.

Reality: There is a happy medium (excuse the pun) between optimism and realism.

Suggestion: Try to have a positive outlook, and have realistic expectations as well (Not always easy to do).

Myth #9: Happiness is 100% learned behavior.

Reality: Research indicates that happiness is about 50% genetic (nature) and 50% from our experiences (nurture).

Suggestion: Make the best of the50% you can control.

A Final Note - Happy people have feelings of control over events in their lives.

Self Affirmations

Some children in this world have been told repeatedly by their parents (or other care-givers) that they are lazy, stupid, can't do anything right, or that they should never have been born, etc. In addition, they may have been physically abused, which further solidified how worthless they felt about themselves. These children, in effect, learn from their parents that they are no good. They have heard these negative messages over and over again. After a while, these parents don't have to repeat these negative statements; the child (and eventually the adult) consciously and unconsciously repeats them to him/herself (i.e., internalizes these statements). One way to counteract these internalized negative messages is to replace them with positive, self-affirming ones, over and over again.

The following are a list of positive statements that you can repeat to yourself everyday (either silently or out loud). At first these statements may just feel like empty words, but eventually, after hundreds of repetitions, they will feel more real, and you will internalize them. Remember, when repeating them, concentrate on their meaning and try to experience them as your own.

I don't have to be liked by everyone.
I can make mistakes and still be O.K.
I am a worthy person because I am human.
I can only change myself.
I will accept the things I cannot change.
I will have positive, intimate relationships with other people.
I can control some important areas of my life.
I have much to be thankful for.
I deserve to have my needs fulfilled.
I like myself.
My problems will not last forever.
I am capable and confident.
I will trust my feelings.
I can count on myself.
I will accomplish my goals, slowly, and step by step.
I will be organized.
I will have positive, optimistic thoughts.
I will savor today.

Six Factors That Influence Your Level of Happiness

Definition of Factors

Need Fulfillment - Like all biological organisms, Human Beings have basic needs which must be fulfilled in order to survive. Examples of the most basic needs would be air or water. Beyond these physiological needs are "higher order" or more abstract needs which also need to be fulfilled. (Examples include social needs, existential (meaning of life) needs, relaxation needs, identity needs, etc.
Life Stressors - Stressors are those events, situations, or relationships which most people perceive as difficult or unpleasant. (Examples include relationship difficulties, financial problems, unemployment, retirement, illness, etc.)
Negative Coping Styles - Ways of behaving or thinking which are emotionally, physically, financially, or socially harmful to an individual or his/her associates. (Examples include alcohol abuse, drug abuse, overeating, compulsive gambling, compulsive working, etc.
Positive Coping Styles - Ways of behaving or thinking which are emotionally, physically, financially, or socially helpful to an individual by helping him/her cope with stress and fulfill his/her needs.
Emotions - A state of consciousness relating to the arousal of feelings. Emotions can be positive, negative, or neutral. (Examples include boredom, anger, sadness, joy, etc.) Click Here for A List of Human Emotions and Reasons we have Emotions.
Physical Sensations - Bodily experiences perceived by an individual. These sensations can be positive, negative, or neutral. (Examples include back pain, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, etc.)

Interaction of Factors

When Human Needs go unfulfilled:

Negative Emotions and/or Negative Physical Sensations may occur (For example, if the Human Need, Sleep goes unfulfilled, the Negative Physical Sensation, Fatigue will occur).
Individuals may use Negative Coping Styles to try and fulfill Human Needs which can lead to Stressors .(For example, a person may use the Negative Coping Style, compulsive gambling to fulfill his Human Need, for Stimulation. This coping style may cause the Stressor ,Financial Problems).

Life Stressors are an inevitable part of life.

Compounded Stressors (i.e., experiencing several Stressors at the same time) usually are more difficult to cope with than individual ones. (For example, personal illness, marital problems, and financial difficulties all occurring at the same time).

Experiencing Life Stressors may cause Negative Emotions and/or Negative Physical Sensations (For example, the Life Stressor , personal illness may promote the Negative Emotion, sadness ).

People use both Negative and Positive Coping Styles to deal with Stressors. (For example, a person could use the Negative Coping Style, physical aggression, or the Positive Coping Style, communication skills , to deal with the Stressor, relationship problems).

Using Negative Coping Styles may temporarily relieve Stressors in the short-term, but may be harmful in the long-term. (For example, a person may use the Negative Coping Style, alcohol abuse, to relieve the Stressor, death of a friend, but the temporary pain relief could lead to addiction, health or relationship problems).

GOAL: Using Positive Coping Styles instead of Negative Coping Styles to Fulfill Your Needs and cope with Life Stressors should lead to Positive Emotions and Positive Sensations.

Now that I understand what the factors are, and how they interact, how do I use this information to increase my level of Happiness?

Take the Quiz (If you haven't already) to assess:

What Negative Emotions you are experiencing
What Negative Physical Sensations you are experiencing
What Stressors you are currently experiencing
What Negative Coping Styles you are using
Which Human Needs are going unfulfilled

After taking the Quiz, specific Classes will be suggested to help you:

Fulfill your needs
Cope more effectively with Stressors
Reduce or eliminate Negative Coping Styles

Periodically, you can re-take the Quiz to illustrate how learning new Positive Coping Styles has decreased negative emotions, negative physical sensations, and negative coping styles.
Keep the following in mind when implementing New Coping Styles:

A. Perseverance pays off (Change may be slow and there will probably be setbacks, but perseverance usually pays off)

B. Try different coping styles, and see what works best for you

C. Weigh the pros and cons of your choices

D. Your basic personality (temperament) will probably not change radically over your lifetime. Personality is formed by your genetic make-up and early experiences. This does not mean you cannot change, but realistically, you will probably be able to change only within certain limitations. In general, people do "mellow" with age; meaning that they are able to regulate their emotions better as they get older.

E. The only person you can change is yourself.

F. Knowing the reasons why you act the way you do (i.e., psychological insight) May or May Not help you change your behaviors/thinking currently.

G. There are times when you must extract yourself from your environment (e.g., ending a relationship, etc.) to reduce stress levels.

H. Repetition is a great way to learn something new and remember it.

I. Try to change the things you can (within your power) and accept those things you cannot or will not change.

J. Things always change whether you want them to change or not.

K. Chances are that you are already using many of the Positive Coping Styles listed below. Give yourself credit for using these styles.

List of Stressors

A. Indecision - Not being able to make up your mind about something or issues that remained unresolved for a long time (i.e., limbo).

B. Interpersonal Conflicts - Negative communication (criticism), Distorted communication (unrealistic expectations), Non-communication (withdrawal)

1. Conjugal (marital or non marital) - discord, separation, divorce, unfaithfulness

2. Relatives - parent-child, siblings, other relatives

3. Problems with friends, neighbors, associates, boss, coworkers

C. Developmental - Life transitions or phases of the life cycle

Entering school, Puberty, Graduation, Transition to adult status, Starting a new career, Engagement, Marriage, Becoming a parent, Children leaving home, Menopause, Retirement, Age-related cognitive decline.

D. Illness

1. Being the caretaker of a physically or mentally incapacitated person

2. Personal or familial illness (acute or chronic), injury, accident, surgery, abortion.

E. Occupational - Work, School, Homemaking

1. Being fired or laid off from work

2. Chronic Unemployment

3. Academic Problems (failing grades, underachievement)

4. Job dissatisfaction

5. Uncertainty about career choices

F. Living Circumstances

1. Changes in residence, threat to personal safety

G. Financial difficulties

1. Inadequate finances

2. Change in financial status

H. Legal - arrest, imprisonment, lawsuit, trial

I. Abuse - Recipient of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse

J. Acculturation Problem - Problem involving adjustment to a different culture following migration.

K. Identity Problem - uncertainty about identity such as long-term goals, career choice, sexual orientation and behavior, or moral values.

L. Death of a spouse or close family member.

M. Other - Natural or manmade disaster, persecution, unwanted pregnancy, rape.

Disclaimer - This program is not intended as a substitute for psychotherapy. Any suggestions made here are not intended as a substitute for medical advise from a physician. Any individual who is experiencing severe emotional problems (i.e., suicidal thoughts, severe depression, hopelessness, hallucinations, delusions, etc.) is encouraged to seek immediate treatment from a qualified mental health practitioner and/or Call 911 or your local Crisis Line. The information provided on this site is intended for educational purposes only, and is the opinion of the author.

Choices you make have Natural